My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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