i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you win again, gameday.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
