my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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