WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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