Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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