I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
