The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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