Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your penis caused this!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
