He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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