her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
