I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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