I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
