my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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