I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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