do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
