Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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