Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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