she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
