the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
