The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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