We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize