Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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