well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
