I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
