if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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