who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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