He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
