You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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