Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
