she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
