Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
