the day after is always just damage control
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
