I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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