Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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