You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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