peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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