I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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