I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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