My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
