Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
please don't ironically join a cult
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