Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
