The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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