I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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