i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My liver just had a heart attack.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
