and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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