In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
