I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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