Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
