Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
