operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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