Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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