You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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