Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
