I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
