They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
