Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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